Professional Breather

WHY RUNNING SUCKS

BY PAUL DAVIDSON

 Anyone who turns a fear-based survival instinct into a professional Olympic event needs their head examined.

Take running for example.  Something whose origins come from attempting to escape a potentially harmful or scary "think" (thing being a dinosaur, person with a sharp rock or firearm, or a natural disaster).  Sure, running has been around since the dawn of time, but since when does that need to be turned into a sport?

Commence why running sucks...now.

Running ranks right up there with other fear based skills that have turned into sports.  Hunters who realized their only way to survive was to spear animals slowly evolved into the javelin throw.  Less-than-impressive hunters who couldn't do that turned into throwing rocks...which became the shot put.  Hunters/gatherers who spend their days out in the wilderness collecting berries and old raccoon carcasses who were faced with sharp-toothed animal ready to eat them had to be quick in their jumping over the hedges to hide...a la the high jump.

Young children trying to escape their other ancient friends with a beehive under their arms, turned into football.  Eskimos in the colder regions of our world who slid frozen meat across frozen ponds in order to save their strength for the rest of their trip home...turned into the Olympic game of curling.  The flicking of annoying insects quickly evolved into the office game of paper-football.

And then there's running.

Running didn't even evolve into another sport-it was just copied.  A physical act, that for the most part is associated with fear, pain, shortness of breath, hamstring-pain, sweat, joint problems, arthritis, being chased by lions, tigers, and bears (oh my)...it's something each of us have done, whther we're running for our lives or running because some 3rd period P.E. teacher thinks it's going to make us better people.

But making it a sport?

I never saw the allure in running.  I never look at people who can run fast and think to myself, boy I'd sure like to sit down with them and pick their brains about..uh...running.  Sure, there's the people who develop and train their marathoning-skills and the ones who can hit the 100 yard dash in less then ten seconds.

But really, do you honestly care?

And so, effective immediately I have decided to become a professional breather.  That's right, I will be pioneering and creating the National League for Professional Breathers.  Personally, you'll be pretty impressed with me as a Pro Breather since I can, uh, well...breathe.  All the time.  No matter what the circumstance.  In fact, I can breathe in the cold, the heat of the summer months, while driving a car, eating food and even while sleeping.

Breathing while sleeping-amazing.
 

Sure, ten years from now when you see me carrying the torch during the Olympics and winning the gold medal after beating nigeria and Ital in the Pro Breathing Finals - there will be critics.  Some guy who thinks he's the shiznit with a blog will most likely publigh a post entitled Why Breathing Sucks.

But until then, I won't worry about it.

Because running sucks, it's the truth, and I'm a professional breather.